Published on April 9th, 2013 | by Malcolm Spinedi0
Sports Entertainment Weekly: Wrestlemania Results
The WWE can be a tricky thing to follow. They have a show just about everyday and some of them are over three hours. If only there was some jerk out there who brought up the important things of the week into a column and made catching up easy. Well fear not, for I am that jerk! Join me as I talk about some of bigger moments in the WWE this week and why they are worth noticing. To quote one of my personal favorites:
Wrestlemania has come and gone, and what a Wrestlemania it was… in that it was very formulaic and boring.If you recall my WWE Wrestlemania XXVIIII predictions from a week ago, I finished 5-4. Hey, I’ll admit when I was wrong (but mostly right). I guess I was too optimistic. With a card that predictable, I guess I thought the WWE had to do something interesting. However, I forgot this was the WWE, who really doesn’t need to be exciting anymore. So what happened this year? Let’s run down the list.
Rhodes Scholars & The Bellas vs. Tons of Funk & The Funkadactyls
A lot of you ran through the numbers and realized that 5-4 means 9 matches took place; wasn’t there a tenth? In one of the more heartbreaking occurrences, the 8-man tag was completely bumped off the card due to time constraints. The frustrating thing is this match could have happened if the WWE didn’t run so many commercials, P Diddy, and Rock/Cena promos (the WWE did 3). Hell, the WWE had an hour on the pre-show, it could have been sent there. There was no reason this match couldn’t have taken place.
Plus, we were treated to this.
Thanks for this “Wrestlemania Moment”, WWE. It’s awesome to have the exact moment a dream is crushed forever on film. And yes that was was sarcasm! Believe it or not, I feel especially bad for the Bellas. Keep in mind they left because the WWE could care less about the Divas’ division. The WWE contacts them and tells them they’ve changed, that Divas are a focus now, and even throws them in an angle with Rhodes Scholars. They return and things go great, even getting a Mania match. For any wrestler that’s a big deal, and they were probably as ecstatic as everyone else. Then Mania comes and the WWE let’s the cat out of the bag that nothing has changed and that your Wrestlemania moment is cancelled.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This one did happen on RAW and the faces won, as I predicted. So you know what? I’m 6-4.
The Miz beats Barrett by submission and becomes the New IC Champion!
In the first match of the night (technically) The Miz made Wade Barrett tap to the Figure Four and become the new IC champion. Not a lot of shock there. The best way to jack up a live crowd is with a new champion. Plus, the Miz kind of deserves it. He’s been picking up steam as a face and is about due for some kind of push.
The match itself was fine for what it was, which sadly is a common compliment with Mania matches this year. Nice back and forth and Miz didn’t mess up the Figure Four. What more can you ask for?
The Shield defeats The “Faces”
The six-man ended in the most boring way it could, with Big Show “turning”. Actually, I don’t what to call it. Was he still a Face going into Mania? Or was he still a Heel teaming with faces? Did they all become Tweeners for this? I am so confused.
Sadly we didn’t get that Orton heel turn, instead we got Big Show suddenly remembering he’s a heel and not breaking up a pin. Orton basically stole a tag and Big Show decided at that moment to throw away 3 months of preparation to take out the big bad Shield because of a tag. Yeah, that makes sense.
On the plus side, Shield continues to be a force and now have a Wrestlemania victory under their belts. Orton and company don’t change at all, but trust me, that’s not the most disappointing thing of the night.
Mark Henry defeated Ryback
The result for this one shocked me, despite the logic of the booking. Ryback lifts the mammoth Henry going for Shell Shock, but the experienced Henry grabs the ropes and throws Ryback off balance. Ryback falls back and 400 lbs of Henry falls on his head, justifiably knocking Ryback out. Mark covers, 1-2-3.
I say I’m shocked because, once again, Ryback has the potential to be the next big face of WWE. So a loss at his first Wrestlemania… is quite shocking. This is what they mean when they say we’ll never have another Taker Streak, because WWE keeps jobbing guys out at Mania for no reason?
No sooner do I think this than Henry goes to induct Ryback in the Hall of Pain. However Ryback has none of it and hits him with a spinebuster followed by a Shell Shock, which was incredible to watch. However, Ryback gets up after, and his arm is noticeably in pain. Is Ryback injured? Was WWE right in holding off on pushing him? We’ll see.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: He’s fine.
Team Hell No defeated Dolph Ziggler & Big E Langston to retain the Tag Team Championship
Great match, as all 4 guys really gelled well together. Big E definitely has a bright future, as he moves well for such a big dude. Dolph Ziggler looked amazing, and Team Hell No were great as always. The worst thing I could say about this match was that it was a little formulaic. Faces take out the heel’s partner, hit a double team finisher, 1-2-3.
Everyone involved looked great, but as I thought Team Hell No looks to be holding the belts for a while longer still. Team Ziggler, however, I have no idea, but I look forward to finding out. Maybe WWE will give them some gold in the near future.
Fandango beat Chris Jericho
This was the first match to completely enrage me. This match was complete and utter garbage and Johnny Curtis didn’t deserve a Wrestlemania spot.
The match was all Jericho, literally and figuratively. You could tell Jericho was leading him through every step of this match and Fandango struggled to keep up. The match was 93% Jericho on offense with Fandango hitting a move sporadically. I think we finally saw a wrestler take on a broomstick. One botched up small package later and Fandango pulls off the most awkward upset in history.
So many things sucked about this one. The match was poor, Fandango didn’t deserve a debut at Wrestlemania, and the fact he made it but Cody Rhodes, Damian Sandow, and Kofi Kingston were left off is a crime. Nicest thing I can say about it, honestly, was that it was short.
Alberto Del Rio defeated Jack Swagger to retain the the World Title
Poor Swagger. Poor, stupid, drunk driving Swagger. You know you’re not winning the World Title when you get the jobber entrance for your match at Wrestlemania.
Swagger has no one else to blame for this but himself. I have no idea what possessed him to DUI while in possession of drugs leading up to his big match. After that, he was lucky the WWE kept him in the match.
The match itself was alright; it felt more like a 5 star Smackdown main event than a Wrestlemania one, but I’m just nitpicking. Nice back and forth with great use of the managers too. End comes when ADR locks in the Cross Armbreaker for the win.
Big let down for no Money in the Bank cash in, WWE. WTF?
The Undertaker defeated CM Punk
Easily the match of the night! I don’t know how Taker does it, but he constantly has the match of the night or nominee every Wrestlemania! For those wondering, Yes Punk was his usual level of excellence for this one.
Nice back and forth between this two. Some nice close calls for the end of the match; with Taker kicking out of an urn shot, and Punk kicking out of the Tombstone. Brownie points to Punk who did everything he could to make himself out to be the biggest piece of shit possible. He did everything from cheating, slapping Taker, and even using Taker’s own moves against him. End comes as Taker hits a second Tombstone out of nowhere to finish it off.
Only critique I could give it is never once in this match did I believe Punk had it. In all the matches for the streak there was always one spot where I thought “OMG, the streak is over!” Like last year when Taker got hit with Sweet Chin Music and stumbled into a Pedigree. This time, I never thought for one second Punk had him. Once again, great match and easily the best on the card, but I never thought Punk had him. Sadly, I think Streak matches my have lost there spark with me. Regardless, a nice match that was truly Wrestlemania worthy.
Triple H defeated Brock Lesnar
This match has been getting some negative press thanks to the crowd reaction. However, most of it was pretty fun. It was essentially both guys taking turns chucking each other into objects as well as each other. It was a very fun brawl until the very end, when it became a Triple H egofest.
After chairing up Brock’s arm, Triple H decided to be a dink and apply the Kimura Lock (Brock’s own submission) on Brock and re-applied it and re-applied it and re-applied it. This part of the match felt like an eternity and took away a lot of points. Plus this would start Triple H just destroying Brock in what felt like a huge receipt for Summerslam. Sledgehammer shot and a Pedigree on the steps later, and this one was over.
Happy this feud is over, I hope WWE can think of something more interesting for Brock to do now. As for Triple H, he’s going off TV… same as what would have happened if he lost… Next match please.
John Cena defeated The Rock for the WWE Title
Worst. Rematch. Ever.
To describe this match simply, imagine watching two guys playing WWE’13 against each other with unlimited finishers, and all they did was hit finishers over and over till one won. That was this match. Finally after the 20th Attitude Adjustment, Rock’s health bar was empty and we had a new WWE Champion.
I will admit that this match had some interesting moments that were a throw back to their first encounter, like when they almost recreated the ending to the last match. This match however is a pretty much an analogy for my entire issue with this PPV. There was a chance to make something truly memorable here (Cena heel turn or otherwise), but instead the WWE played it safe. So freaking safe that theWWE made Wrestlemania very…meh. That’s the thing, the matches weren’t awful, just that they were very predictable and safe. What we had was a very forgettable Wrestlemania.
So in closing: If you want to see anything, go with Taker vs. Punk. Otherwise, this is a WWE PPV you can skip.